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I can’t believe what’s happened today. I spent the whole day with Mr G. It wasn’t planned or anything as such. He was visiting our neighbours and ran into my son and then came over and said hello. I was contemplating turning around and walking away, though I didn’t. I am glad I didn’t.

I still can’t believe today. The minute I saw him, it felt like the good old times. We’ve been broken up for six weeks now, and I just wanted to reach out and hug him. I wanted to so badly touch him, rest my head on his chest, kiss him and so much more. He began to tell me all the good things that have been happening to him. He was fixing his issues. I was relieved and happy for him. Relieved for the hope we could get back to together now that he was sorting his issues out, but who knows that might not ever happen. We didn’t mention anything about us, just little things here and there. We ended up spending the day together with the kids and our neighbour. My son was so happy to see his kids. I was just happy to be with him in any fashion.

At one point I was alone with my neighbour and she mentioned to me that there is no doubt he wants me in his life and wants me back, but he has to work out what he wants with his life first. For him his biggest hurdle is marriage, he isn’t sure if he ever wants to get married again, and I am 100% certain I do. He knows I won’t settle for anything less. But I don’t mean I want to get married immediately.

The late afternoon was spent at my place. We ended up kissing, it was an overwhelming emotional moment for me. I couldn’t believe it, I missed him so much, I ended up crying a little, I could feel so many emotions exploding out of my chest. I want him to be with me so much, but am worried about the future.  It is a very scary notion knowing that I can feel this way about a person, not being able to control the feelings that proceed to come out of me when I am next to him. I have not felt like this for someone since my ex-husband. I broke up with him six weeks back and yet I want him back so much.

He wanted to come over tonight and spend the night, but I declined as I don’t want to get attached to him if it won’t serve in my best interests especially with the way I feel about him. We need to talk.

I love him. It is the first time I have admitted it. Oh my God I love him. He doesn’t know it, I’ve never told him. I’m terrified to love him. So many what ifs. But if the time comes, I will tell him.