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Mr G and I finally met up two nights ago. I hated what he had to say.

He told me that he is scared of getting married again, this is a recurring problem between us. He seems to be under the impression I want to marry immediately. And I really do not want to be re-married so quickly. He said he does not want to feel like he is being pressured and that is how he feels when he is with me. But he is terrified of losing me and doesn’t want to let me go. He has feelings for me.

For the next six months this will be a period that he will use to get his life back on track, this is part of the problem too, he wants to have all this in place before being in a committed relationship. He asked if we could stay in each others life and be friends. I nearly died inside of me. I replied “no, that would be too painful” I think he nearly died inside himself too when I wouldn’t budge on my answer. He started to tear up, I started to tear up. This whole thing called ‘us’ what a mess.

He kept pouring his emotions and thoughts onto me “I think you’re the most incredible person and I didn’t mean to push you away, I can’t stop thinking about you, I was so nervous coming to see you tonight, there is so much I want to say” “this is just timing, I am not ready for what you want, I am good as a companion but I just need to sort myself out before committing” he kept going and going and going, whilst slowly I was dying a little further inside of me. I wanted to hug him, but if I had I probably wouldn’t have been able to let go. I kept listening to him, I could understand everything he was saying as I was once in a similar situation but I was frustrated as he knew what I wanted from the start when we first met, yet he kept pursuing me. In the end I am now hurting.

We sat there in silence for about 10 minutes staring at the walls and at each other after I had a little cry. “What if we continue our relationship? work on us whilst I fix my situation for the next six months, it won’t be easy …” He asked. A huge surge of emotion rushed through me, he really didn’t want to let me go. “No, I replied, loving you would be hurtful and I don’t want to be hurt further in the end because you’re afraid of getting married” A tear dropped from his eye, he seemed like he didn’t know what to do or say, picking at the frills of a couch pillow.

Finally he said he was about to leave. As I was seeing him off, wishing that he would stay and never leave my front door, he turned around to kissed me on my cheek and then we embrace like never before. We stood there in each others arms, so tightly, his heart was racing, at that point I couldn’t feel my heart. “Our hearts are beating so fast” he said, “I will miss you so much” I replied. “I miss you already” he said, I started to silently sob into his chest. All I could hear is a little chant in my head “this is not fair, this is not fair, this is not fair”

“I will see you at the beach sometime” he stated “Please find another place to swim, don’t come to here. You need to leave me alone” I whispered. “that’s not fair, I will see you” I kept hugging, it will probably be the last time. He started kissing the top of my head and face and then finally withdraw and kissed me on my lips. He walked out the door, looked back from the stairs, with tears in his eyes and blew me a kiss.

I shut the door and began sobbing. This sobbing has been on and off over the last two days. I feel so sad, a sadness that is so deep I actually feel hollow.

So in the end, things have gone to shit between us.

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