Regardless of him telling me he is in a long-term commitment, I decided to tell him that I found him sexy, intriguing and intimidating. What the hell was I thinking! The whole time I thought he was single and only now is the penny dropping what actually took place. We had been emailing for a solid three-months, and despite this I told him my little secret of having a crush on him. This all happened on Monday/Tuesday, it is now Thursday and fuck it’s sinking into my thick head, WTF am I doing? Yesterday and today, we resumed as if nothing happened, he emailed first yesterday saying that he didn’t want to stop hearing from me and that he doesn’t know what he wants anymore. Now, it’s just sinking in, the pit of my stomach is in knots, I feel ill, I have tears welling in my eyes. WTF AM I DOING? These words repeating in my head like a bad mantra. I feel for her, the woman he is with, I never want to be that other woman. I know I have the power to make him stray and that sickens me. It was so easy.
It’s undeniable I find him sexy, he ticks so many boxes for me, he is intelligent (this is such a turn on for me), good-looking, ambitious and just has an unexplainable aura. I am not really afraid of his age, 22 years my senior, but I know that I need a life partner to do everything with me for decades to come, he should be in a comfortable place in his life, I am not yet there, I am getting there; my comfy place in life. He is also one of my clients at work. That is how I met him, he is my one and only client crush. This was supposed to be my secret, and yet I told him. How stupid can I be – who reveals there secrets to the person it involves?
I am now sitting here wondering, what to do. This has been triggered because I haven’t heard a reply to my email sent several hours ago, and all I can hear is the echo of my friends’ voice telling me to not start something I may not be able to control, she was crying whilst telling me this as she is in the process of ending an affair and knows the pain first-hand. I am a hypocrite, the last 6 months I’ve been in her ear telling her to end this road of destruction she is on, and now look at me, considering on taking a step onto this destructive road. She told me I am the strongest woman she knows and if anyone can pull an one night affair with a taken man without getting attached it would be me. I was confident a few hours ago. Now I am not confident what so ever, hours of non communication between him and I, and I realise I am hanging onto his every-word. Seriously not like me, but fuck I really like him. I need to tell him exactly my thoughts and resume our provider/client relationship rather than this temptation.
My stomach is in knots. A feeling I have not had in years. I cannot concentrate. I feel ill.